I’ve realized lately that the only time I’ve ever felt really crazy about someone, it was because I was not allowed to have them. To give an example, it started with an ex-boyfriend. After we broke up we still saw each other a few times a year, even after he had a new girlfriend. And on those times, as soon as we were alone my breathing would quicken and I’d be desperate to touch him, and as soon as we got too close it was like two magnets clicking together and there was just this pull. It was the most exciting feeling I’d ever felt, and it meant I didn’t move on from him for years. To be honest I didn’t even care that he was cheating on his girlfriend to be with me. I didn’t know her and didn’t consider her my responsibility, I just felt special and sexy because he was so attracted to me.
I am in a relationship now since 2016, but I have felt that magnetic pull again to some other guys in this time. I have cheated, just over a year ago. My boyfriend knows this and I have never seen the man again because I knew that pull would still be there and I didn’t trust myself. I do regret the effect of the cheating on our relationship, but not the act itself. According to a TED talk by Esther Perel on cheating, this is common. I can identify with a lot she says.My boyfriend and I have moved on and I love being with him, but how do I accept that I have to live my life without experiencing that adrenaline rush, perhaps ever again? Why do I want it so much? Is this a self-esteem thing? I simply don’t feel special and sexy when only one guy wants me. Yeah, my boyfriend tells me I am, but then he would – he’s my boyfriend! I don’t really believe that stuff unless the person saying it SHOULDN’T be saying it, if they’re taking a risk by saying it. Otherwise it’s kinda just part of the job description. Is there something wrong with me? Do other people think this way and not admit it? I wouldn’t be this honest with anyone in person obviously, because I know people aren’t supposed to have these thoughts! I kinda just want to be normal, I don’t get why I’m like this. I think I’m a good person in other areas of my life, I have a job I enjoy working with seniors, I volunteer, I am a supportive friend. My friends would probably be shocked that this part of me exists if they were told. So why does it exist??
View related questions: broke up, move on
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (12 January 2019):
Temptation is a normal thing; but not everyone acts on the impulse to cheat. You need to be reassured that the exes really cared about you. You didn’t really get-over them. The rejection becomes an obsession for some people; and they need to go back and relive a traumatic situation to give it a new ending. Then for some folks, there’s just a need to cheat; and that’s just a weakness in our character. No matter how good you think you are by doing good deeds; you cancel them out when you betray people who give you their love and trust.The way to redeem yourself and make up for it is to earn their trust, maintain it, and value having it. Treat their love with tenderness and respect. Admitting it only matters if you are confessing for the sake of seeking forgiveness. Intending never to do it again! If it is forgiven, and you again betray that trust; that’s just a person who doesn’t value trust, or have compassion for those they hurt and betray. It’s selfishness.Stay away from the exes. What goes around, comes around. If your present boyfriend cheats with an ex; it will tear you apart. People don’t realize the impact of what they do to others; until it happens to them. Cheaters hate to be cheated on. It stings all the more; because it hits them in a sore spot. Nothing hurts like karma.
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