Why do we hold on to those who we know are no good for us?
My boyfriend of 10 and a half months broke up with me 3 days ago. He was my first ever relationship and I was so happy. I thought I was in love to be honest, because I wanted to be with him unconditionally. Yea there were things that were different between us, but I didn’t want to change him. I liked him for who he was. He made me laugh and smile, I trusted him, I just wanted to show him I cared. We rarely had arguments, just petty little bickering that never went anywhere for more than a few minutes before we were back to our normal conversations. But he broke my heart 3 times. I was never his first choice and I knew this but I thought we could still make it work. First time, 4 months in, he confessed that he may still have had feelings for the girl he originally wanted to date who turned him down (and who eventually set us up together). I was stupid and said that we could work through it because I trusted him and I trusted her and knew neither of them would do anything behind my back especially since she wasn’t even interested in him that way. We talked things through, communicated some feelings, things got better between us.Second time, during our 7th month together. Just after Christmas, but before New Year’s, 5 days before we’re supposed to move into an apartment together on Jan. 1st, he tells me he doesn’t think it’s a good idea and says we should probably break up. I was devastated. I had all my stuff packed, we had been getting furniture from people, we had just had Christmas and I had met his whole family who had gotten me presents. I was frustrated that he had talked himself out of the relationship. So I had to take my name off the lease. And because of this, my best friend stepped up and offered to rent a townhouse with me. Which we signed the lease for the 3rd day after he had broken up with me, so Dec. 30th. Then, on the night of Jan.2nd, he texts me and says he “made a mistake”, that all he could think about over the weekend was the fact that I wasn’t with him on the trip we were supposed to go on, that the apartment was going to be too quiet without me there. And again, stupid me, I missed him so much and hadn’t wanted our relationship to end yet, that I agreed to take him back, but had a conversation saying, I don’t want to go through this again. I want something serious, not just be a fling until you get bored and find someone better. And he reeled me in saying “I didn’t realize what it meant to me to have you around.” Again, things were great. I legitimately felt like he had missed me. We helped each other move into our respective places and continued to date. But flash forward to 3 months later, and suddenly he’s having mixed feelings again, saying around this time he thinks of the first relationship he had in college and how things had dragged out and ended badly. And that he felt like with us, he was forcing something that wasn’t there. That he knew he had every reason to be happy and could see that I was happy, but that yet he still felt unsatisfied. He doesn’t even know why he’s unhappy! I’m so frustrated because he’s the one who wanted to get back together just to eventually turn me down again. And I told him if it’s what he really wanted, that it would have to be final this time because I couldn’t trust him anymore. He was so good at pretending like things were ok when he was always having these doubts. And he said he felt bad/guilty for constantly putting me through this. I don’t know. I’m just mad that even after all this, a small part of me keeps hoping that like before, he’ll miss me and ask me back, and we’ll be able to go back to the way things were. I honestly was SO happy in our relationship, I was looking forward to doing all the summer activities we had done when we had first started dating and I know we won’t get to. And that’s what makes me the most sad, is knowing all I’ll have are those memories of when things WERE good. Why can’t I let go of him? Even if we did get back together, I know he’d just let me down again. (not to mention my parents and best friend would kill me for making such a stupid decision AGAIN, which they didn’t even want me to do the first time)
View related questions: best friend, broke up, christmas, get back together, text
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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2019):
You said that he’s unhappy and yes he is. I had the same thing happen to me. Someone I really liked was going to move in with me, then he treated me like dirt (screwed a prostitute and said that she was me = madness?!) and then said he hated me after ghosting me and that was the end. These men are cruel, he’s bent on revenge and you had a taste of it. Life is nicer without “unhappy” man.
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A male reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (22 March 2019):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-give-up-someone-i-know.htmlI came to DC when I was dumped and felt as if my pain was going to linger for a long time. I love to write and express myself. It was good therapy, and at the same-time I was able to share my wisdom and experience with others.I know the feelings you’re experiencing quite well. I had difficulty emotionally; because we didn’t fight, and were getting along really great. It doesn’t matter who initiated the breakup, or who wants to reconcile. There are two-sides, and both parties feel pain and confusion. You have to understand from either-side to make sense of it all. His explanation for dumping me was that I deserved someone better. Later, his prophetic words came true! I found someone better!
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A female reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2019):
Why can’t you let him go?Because you saw something there that YOU wanted while ignoring some of the “red flags”. Basically you felt the PROs outweighed the CONs.My advice would be to CUT all contact, BLOCK and DELETE him so YOU don’t feel tempted to contact him and HE can’t contact you when he gets lonely or can’t find “better”.I think it’s ACTUALLY great that most of your memories were good! That means you DO know WHAT you want in a partner but you haven’t fine tuned your “gut”.Someone who brings up that YOU were a second choice… IS not really someone who will want you long term. You ARE in fact a “MissRightNow” or a “hold-over”.Doesn’t mean he didn’t care for you, but it probably means YOU cared WAY more for him, than vice verse.And remember someone who makes ALL these PLANS with you, ONLY to waffle and waiver at the last moment, IS VERY unsure of how he feels about you.WORDS are lovely, but you need to judge a person on their actions. DO they match with their words or not? I don’t think HIS did. Not entirely.Thank your LUCKY stars that you didn’t move in together!It’s ONLY been 3 days. You aren’t going to be able to just SNAP your fingers and you are OVER him. It will take time, and you NEED to be OK with that.ACCEPT that long term HE wasn’t the right guy for you, and you weren’t the right woman for him. LEARN from this. LISTEN to what a guy says. Like, he has feelings for someone else. If he does, he isn’t FULLY committed to YOU. And then DO NOT date a guy like that.If a guy says I’m not sure if living together is a good idea, LISTEN to what he says. One thing might be that it was TOO soon to live together, and another is that I think this guy was CAUGHT up in the FANTASY of the relationship being what he wanted, when it probably wasn’t. The whole comparing it (in a way) to a long drawn out one that didn’t pan out… was his way of finding excuses for WHY it wouldn’t work. YOU need to NOT be in touch with this guy. AT ALL. If friends bring him up, ask them to change the subject. If you block him and he call from another number, ASK him to stop calling you and then block the new number he used.YOU know it’s JUST NOT GOING TO WORK OUT. Remember… “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.STOP banging your head against that brick wall. It’s not going to stop hurting if you don’t.ACCEPT it’s OVER. ACCEPT that you DO have some say in what happens in YOUR life. And that you do not WANT to go down that road again with him. EVER. You are holding on because you wanted a future, you wanted that fantasy you two had build, the plans and dreams. Sometimes plans change. Paths diverge.Make plans with PEOPLE you can RELY on for fun summer activities. Friends and family. Don’t just sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. Go get a pedi/mani, a new haircut. Join a gym or take a class in dance or yoga. Something that won’t REMIND you of him.LIFE goes on.And don’t forget, this relationship (even if it didn’t work out) taught you something. You might know WHAT you life in a guy and what you don’t. It might help you NEXT time you meet someone.Chin up.
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